Clever Doris: Embarasser Of Her Children

 

Isn't it the divine right of all parents to be able to embarrass their kids?

After all I was embarrassed by mine, namely a mother who used to sport stripy tights, lace ups, a 1940s fur coat and drive a beaten up old VW camper van in which to collect me from boarding school at the end of term which predictably broke down and had to be pushed out of the school grounds by my friends who, incidently, had dogs and ponies and parents with Volvos. My friends thought she was really cool. I, on the other hand, what with it being the 80s and me being 13, was mortified by this example of a 'four-foot-eleven-with-her-hands-up' unconventional stripy tights clad hippy.

Embarrassing father took the form of a nomadic despiser of cars who never possessed a phone or a bank account and used to go on 3 day 'fishing trips' only to return with a packet of frozen cod and another telly which he'd traded with a 'bloke down the pub' in return for a painting he'd done. We did at one point have 3 tellys, one on top of the other, one with only sound, one with only picture and one for aesthetic purposes only (well he didn't want it to look completely stupid). At least he made the effort to make the whole display look pleasing in the form of a broken fibre optic lamp perched atop the pile of monstrous brown tvs. I seem to recall a plastic Pink Panther somewhere in the mix.
Less embarrassing but nonetheless disappointing; for years I expected him to return home with a dog after stating he was just going to "see a man about a dog". I now know that to be dad-speak for "I'm off for a pint". And the fact there never was an ice cream van at the top of that mountain he'd dragged me up.

My act of rebellion was to lead a very conventional life with 1 husband, 2 kids, 2 jobs and a semi in the burbs. The white sheep of the family.

Now its my turn to do the embarrassing, although I think kids now are a little more desensitised to the unconventional parent. Until...

...one morning whilst taking clever Maurice to school I happened upon a battered Lloyd Loom ottoman on the side of the road next to a row of wheely bins. Now even this old womble struggled to overcome the public humiliation of relieving it from its resting place so we continued on our way. After all this is Leafy & Affluent North Leeds, and we know people. However on quick reflection I couldn't bear the thought of a less fazed wombling-type coming along to retrieve it or, worse still, the fate of landfill so I did an about turn and rescued it. Although the lid had disintegrated, the frame and main body of the piece was intact, so after wrestling it into the back of the car we continued on our way with CM mortified and slumped in the front, lest any of his Leafy & Affluent friends clock us. 

A new mdf top, found in Mr Doris's manly garage, a lick of paint and a spot of Clever Doris reupholstery has rendered this a mighty useful item which takes pride of place in the living room, where it provides useful extra seating and storage for toys and things which can't possibly be thrown away such a space stations made from cereal boxes and loo rolls.

 

Woe betide anyone who should discard this architectural masterpiece

Anyway what do kids of today know? - real embarrassment is playing pass the parcel to radio 4 at your own birthday party.